My teeth hurt...I hope I don't have a cavity or something

A guy I haven't seen in a while asked me how I'd been the past few months. I replied, "Fine. Same old, same old."

I feel like I've been using that response far more than I should be doing in the past few months. It's kind of irritating. When my Chinese Horoscope for 2009 said that this year would be "a year for treading water - just try to stay afloat" I didn't actually realize it would be so bang on.

Oh well.

God, I'm such a moaner these days.

I guess I've just never had my head so far up my own ass - I literally change what I think my "plan" is every other day. One day, I'm sure I'm firmly planted in the US, ready to apply for MFA programs for Fall 2010 here. Then, I have a conversation with a friend in Manchester and I'm ready to apply for my Masters there. Or then I'll have wild dreams of packing up and moving to LA, finished script in hand, certain that Brad Grey would pick it up in a millisecond, fully-fund it and thus cement my cinematic future.

So, right now I guess my current predicament is US or UK? While it's been a total blessing to be from both parts of the world, I always fear that this is going to be a question that I'll never be able to answer. I love the US. I love England. With all of my heart. When I'm here, I miss it over there. I miss my friends, proper cups of tea, my family, Marmite, mushy peas, Minstrels, Maltesers, the humour, even the constant gloomy precipitation.

When I'm there, I miss it over here - baseball, Saturday Night Live, driving aimlessly in cars, laziness, excessive friendliness in the service industry (well, it is there in SOME places), my brothers, the humor...it goes on.

How can I find a career that will permit me to spend six months of the year in each place? Hmmm....let's tally that to the list of dreams floating through my head.

So, it's cheaper for me to do my Masters in the UK, because I'm a citizen and what not, but I'm fairly certain the programs here are better. But, of course, I'll be over $30,000 in debt when I'm finished.

Balls.

Alright - Fate, I am leaving this one up to You. I'm going to apply to a bunch and whichever one I get into that gives me butterflies, that's where I'll go.

Separately, is it just me or is everyone getting married and/or having babies? And are these side effects of the recession? Please tell me that people aren't struggling so much/bored because they have no money to go out/lonely and confused in the current economic climate that marriage and procreation are seemingly the best tonics.

Hmm...maybe also, please tell me to stop being so cynical.

This post is boring.

This is quite funny. I wonder if that's going to be my future living situation? I hope not.

I Feel Like This Shouldn't Be Real

I've had a surreal night with my Mother, here in Chicago. It's been really fun, but, ultimately, I'm just trying to find a place to smoke right now where the sirens won't go off.

We pinpointed places that we'd been together. Together. She was nearly 30. I was a baby. I don't remember.

And then we pinpointed a place where Dad had fucked up the first time, not the last time, and we all went dilly dally.

And then she pointed out the building where I got the "photo" shoots for my session as a 6-month old auditioning for the Shout commercial that I never got because I was "too bald" and didn't have the abundence of red curly hair that my rival had.

Shit.

Fuck to that.

And then, we sat, looking out over the Chicago skyline, reminiscing. That's a good word. When it's true. We did. We did it to its fullest degree.

And she looked at the Sears Tower and said, "Remember the time that I took you up there, you could have only been about 4, or so, and we went to the top, and I MADE you stand on the edge and look downwards. You cried.

And I said, 'Diana, it's only glass!'

You were only 4."

My whole life, I thought that was my father that did that.

27 years of false memories.

Not sad. But funny.

Life is fucking hilarious.